


Impossible Encounters

by InterNutter



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: AU, Found Family, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-20
Updated: 2017-11-20
Packaged: 2019-02-04 17:19:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 19
Words: 18,759
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12775761
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/InterNutter/pseuds/InterNutter
Summary: What if Angus met Taako a lot earlier in the time stream?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I love TAZ:BA, which belongs to the McElroys. And now I’m doing an AU of it

Angus McDonald was six years old, miles from anywhere, and lost. These sorts of things might intimidate a regular six-year-old, but Angus was not the slightest bit regular. He was -and not to sound braggy- something of a genius.

He was in the process of getting away from the abandoned town of Phandalin. Where the kidnappers had taken him until his parents received and fulfilled the ransom demands. Which would be extremely difficult since Angus’ parents were dead.

The good news was that he had got well away from Phandalin. The bad news was that he didn’t recognise where he had got to, now. He was tired and hungry, and didn’t recognise a great deal of food. The nuts were stale and the berries were rotten, and he knew better than to trust a random mushroom. And he had maybe two more days to find his way anywhere else but Phandalin before he would pass out and die.

And it was getting dark. Rationally, Angus was aware that there was little in the dark that wasn’t there in the daytime. Except this was a forest, and there was lots of stuff that came out in the dark that would find a sweet little boy very delicious indeed.

Angus kept walking. Picking his way through the underbrush and hoping that the next set of food that he recognised would at least be edible. Feeling his way in the twilight. Poking at the ground with a long stick so that he wouldn’t find a pitfall by mistake.

He was lost. And scared. And all alone. And there was darkness and all his fears had grown into a monster…

Which was why he jumped out of his skin when he heard a voice.

“Saze-eee-ed!”

It was a distant voice. One he thought he might have heard, before. Not one of the kidnappers. And the voice came from further away from Phandalin. Uphill.

“Sazed, I’m getting drunk!” hollered the voice. “Come fuckin’ stop me!”

Angus picked his way towards the voice. It was a destination fraught with its own perils, but a stranger would also have food. And a fire. Which was miles better than wandering alone in the dark.

“Sazed! I found some dandelions, Sazed! Come on out, you fucking narc!”

Narc. Now there was an interesting word. Angus recalled hearing it when he stumbled across a pack of teenagers who were sharing a bottle and smoking. The exact words were, “You narc on us, we kill you, diaper baby.” So. It was both a noun and a verb. Or perhaps a descriptor. He still hadn’t divined what it could mean. Apart from the fact that it was a bad thing.

“I’m drying out the leaves!” called the stranger.

Angus wanted to run towards the voice, but he knew better than to go running in the dark. Slow and steady. Careful and cautious. Those were the ways to get into big trouble that he couldn’t easily get out of.

There _was_ a fire. Angus could see its light. He headed towards it, but kept his eyes on the ground. This was the most dangerous time. When there was light to obliterate what night sight he possessed.

“I’m packing my _pipe_ , Sazed,” raged the stranger. “You thought you hid it, but I found it. You can’t put one over on Taako!”

Taako? _The_ Taako? The wizard chef who brought magically delicious treats to all of Faerun? Angus couldn’t believe his luck. There was _definitely_ going to be food! Angus found the strength to increase his pace. He’d been in kindergarten when Taako had come through Rockport, and he still remembered the world’s most delicious cookie, despite the fact that it contained the dreadful _raisin_. Angus would only love raisins when they were in those cookies.

Now there was light to see the ground by, Angus approached the camp.

There was a fire. And a pretty little Travelers’ caravan. And a storage cart hooked up to it like a caboose. But there was no sign of the Stage Wagon and no sign of any horses.

The Elf in the camp didn’t look very much like Taako. His hair was a tight frizz of curls and the trademark smile was both long gone and stained with tears. “I’m lighting up, Sazed,” he hollered. He had the smallest pipe that Angus had ever seen. He snapped his fingers above the bowl and a flame appeared between his fingers.

Angus hid in the underbrush, watching in fascination as this Elf who looked sort of like Taako lit his tiny pipe and inhaled deeply. The frizz of golden hair settled down into long, golden strands. Still messy, but recognisably more Taako.

Taako slumped down into a sitting position. Exhaled.  “Sazed, you better stop me doing weeds!” He moved a bottle over to his hand with magic. Swigged. “I’m drinking all the fuckin’ wine you stocked! Tastes like go-gurt!”

Taako looked a lot like the Taako that Angus remembered. But this was not the smiling and pristine chef who had passed out delicious treats for a hungry crowd. This was a suffering and heartbroken Taako. A definite shock to Angus’ system.

Taako took another long drag and fell backwards onto the leaf-strewn ground. Sobbed out smoke and swigged more wine. “Gods, I fucking miss you, Sazed,” he bawled.

Angus, starving, crept up to the supply cart. It wasn’t locked. The door was wide open. And inside was a larder. Ropes of garlic. Ropes of onions. Bouquets of herbs. Sausages. Vats and containers and barrels and baskets of food. He didn’t know which of these were safe to eat raw. Except the apples and the mushrooms. And he didn’t much like raw mushrooms.

His first bite of apple sounded like a cannonade in the relative silence. Angus froze. Listening for any sign that Taako heard it. It was wrong to steal. Bad. Evil, even. But he was so very, very hungry and Taako wouldn’t miss _one_ little apple in the middle of all of this and it tasted _so_ good.

It was the best apple in the world.

Angus, having chewed and swallowed his first bite, couldn’t help but take another. Sweet and juicy and perfect. So very perfect. He murmured his appreciation as he ate. And all too soon, the apple was gone.

Angus contemplated the rest of the apple barrel. There had to be hundreds in there. A second one wouldn’t hurt too hard. Would it?

“You know, if you pass me the flour and the honey, I can whip you up some fucking amazing pancakes, pumpkin.”

Angus jumped again. There, in the doorway and blocking egress, was Taako. Still emotionally wrecked and haggard, but seemingly chill about finding a thief in his larder. Then again, it could be the effect of the pipe that now rested in his breast pocket. Angus said everything in one breath, “I’msosorryIdidn’twannastealbutI’msohungryandIthoughtyou’dnevermissanappleandI’mlostandscaredandpleasedon’tturnmeintoatoad?”

Taako sighed and mage-handed himself some supplies. Flour. Honey. An egg. A green apple. Butter. Cinnamon. And a pan and a bowl and a whisk and a knife. “I’m making pancakes. You’re welcome to join my fire.” And just like that, he left.

Angus stayed very still for what felt like forever, listening to Taako’s reedy voice humming a popular love song. He risked a peek.

Taako was by the fire, mixing things in a bowl. The apple was still whole. As Angus watched, Taako picked it up and seemingly flicked it with the knife at random. Then he changed angles and little cubes of apple fell into the pan. The sizzle drew Angus out quicker. Curiosity worked on cats and small, hungry boys. Taako flipped them around. If he noticed Angus, there was no sign.

Pancake batter joined the apples in the pan. Taako watched it intently as the smell of butter and apple and cinnamon perfumed the air.

Angus’ stomach snarled like a savage beast.

“Still working on the first one, homie,” said Taako. “Pull up a tuffet. Tell me your sad, sad tale.”

“You’re… _not_ going to turn me into a toad?”

“Nope,” said Taako. “Don’t got the spell slots for that, tonight. Maybe tomorrow.” Flip. A perfect pancake now sat in golden-brown innocence in the pan. Unaware of its fate. “I’ll tell you my sad story, okay? Once upon a time, there was a magic chef. And then, in Glamour Springs, something went bad… Very bad…” Tears fell down his face. “And the food he made… Forty… they…” a sob. “And now he’s a _murderer_ and nobody wants to love him…” Panting breaths. A sniff. “Maybe I should… no. I only used Mage Hand. Mage Hand _can’t_ make poison. I… Kid. Stop me before I kill again.” During this speech, his hair began to curl of its own accord. He had ringlets by the time he was done.

“As far as I can tell, sir, you only used Mage Hand to manipulate the raw ingredients. And you are correct in surmising that that cantrip can _not_ make poison, sir. Not without the essential ingredients, anyway. These pancakes will be perfectly safe.”

Flip. Flip. Catch. Taako juggled it in his hands until it was cool. “How ‘bout we split it? That way, I won’t have to deal with it, after.”

He really believed that magic could poison food. Even a harmless cantrip like Mage Hand. “Sounds fair to me, sir.”

He broke it in two. Offered both halves. “Choose your poison,” he said with a giggle that wasn’t quite a giggle.

Angus did so in all seriousness. Ignored the small shriek Taako made as he took a big, fearless bite. “MmmmmMMMMmmmm…” Angus said as he chewed. “Delicious. Hardly poisoned at all, sir.”

Taako crammed his half in his mouth. Chewed like he expected Death to come after him, and that he deserved it. Wept a little bit. “Not… It’s not poisoned…” More apple went into the pan. Taako seemed relieved and a little renewed. The ghost of a smile lit on his lips. “It’s good. It’s good.” Two more pancakes formed in the pan. Mage Hand nudged the fried apple pieces into the path of the batter. “No poisonings today.”

From this, Angus could deduce that forty people had died of poison damage in Glamour Springs. And that Taako blamed himself. But this was not the time for accusations. “I was kidnapped by a band of mercenaries working for a man named Governor Kalen. I must have been getting too close to his smuggling ring’s operations. And the mercenaries had sent a ransom demand to my parents’ mansion in Rockport.”

“Of course you escaped their evil clutches,” said Taako, flipping the pancakes.

“Well, there is a snag with the ransom plan,” said Angus. “My parents are dead. I solved their murder just last month. Um. And… the family fortune is held in a trust. There’s no way that anyone could get a ransom that way.”

“So… you have nobody.”

“Not until I can get into contact with the family lawyer, sir.”

“All alone in the wilds.”

“Yes, sir.”

“Lucky you,” Taako smiled.

“I… beg your pardon, sir?”

“Your brand new Uncle Taako has now officially got your back.” The pancakes flipped. “And all you have to do is keep me from accidentally poisoning anyone again. Isn’t that fantastic?”

It… wasn’t. Not exactly. But if Angus McDonald could save this magical chef from guilt-induced madness, that had to be something. “How did it happen, sir?”

Taako’s hair instantly fluffed up into a big ball. “I don’t-- I’m not sure. I transmuted so much stuff. I used so much magic that day… Had to wow the crowd…” Broken sobbing. “I… _killed…_ them…”

“I’m sorry. Let’s… let’s focus on tonight’s pancakes, okay? You know those really work.”

“Yeah. Pancakes. Feed the child. I can’t fuck that up.” Flip. Sniffle. He was shaking, just a little. Almost fumbled the throw. Caught one with Mage Hand, and the other with his own. That was the one he juggled and gave to Angus. “All my life, I loved to cook,” he murmured. “Magic… It was magic. And magic was like… something that went with. Like it was natural.” He nibbled uncertainly at his own pancake. “Like it was supposed to be that way since… forever.”

He was clearly upset by the turn of events. Clearly injured by it. Angus said, “I can come with you, if you like, to the closest town that _isn’t_ Phandalin. You can turn yourself in to the authorities.”

“I’d have to confess. And… I don’t know how it happened. I’ve cooked it a thousand times. A million times. It’s a crowd pleaser, guaranteed. I… I can’t… not until I _know_ how I fucked it up. I can’t. I _can’t_.”

Angus laid a careful hand on his trembling arm. “You’re a good cook and a good person. I’ll help you get to the bottom of this. I promise. And tonight, we… we just won’t talk about it any more. Okay? Let’s have pancakes and get calm.”

Taako wiped his face. “I’m a collection of bad habits in pointy ears, kid. You’ll learn that.” Sniff. “You deserve better than me, but… I’m all that’s here.” He fried up the rest of the pancakes and ate slowly, allowing Angus to have the lion’s share.

They were good pancakes. Filling and soothing and comforting… Angus started to drowse.

And woke up to the inside of the pretty caravan. The lamp was on, and there was a piece of paper on a little desk with his glasses. Angus shuffled upright, put on his glasses, and read the note.

 _Gone to find a horse. If not back in 2 days, follow the road East to Enchormaj._ The flip side just contained a pictogram that described the instructions.

There were enough apples for three days.

Angus went investigating. Taako had a journal in which he noted down recipes and flavour profiles. There were no manifestos that indicated that mass poisoning was premeditated. In fact, these were the relics of an Elf who loved to cook and liked to travel. Was he an innocent with a guilty conscience? Was he a fool who thought he could hit the big time with reckless magic? Or was he a guilty murderer who had suddenly found death not to his liking?

He knew that Taako felt guilt. And he knew that he had been telling the truth as far as he knew it.

Angus tidied everything back to where he had found it, and peeked out the little windows. Dawn’s light had just began to colour in the woodland landscape. A mist had rolled in and everything was bathed in an ethereal light. And Angus was increasingly aware that he had to go potty.

He crept out into the light and found a sturdy enough stick. There were no privies in the woods, and the best he could hope for was helping a tree along, so to speak. After he was done filling in the hole he had just dug, he was aware of some whinnying.

Angus emerged from the shrubbery to see Taako striding back between the trees. Holding a collection of reins like he was holding a bunch of balloons. Floating on the other end of the reins were half a dozen very confused horses.

“Ta-dah,” sang Taako. “You remember those nasty old thugs that had you captured?”

Angus could guess what had happened. “You stole their horses?”

“Very astute. Yes. They’re going to have a great deal of trouble following you anywhere.” A gesture with his wand and the horses slowly descended to pasture level. “Especially because…” he Mage Handed a bag of holding out from behind his cloak and upended it. “I also stole all their boots.”

He seemed so pleased with himself. A dozen boots spilled onto the soil. None of them would fit either of them.

“Why?” Angus said.

“Well… they’re not gonna have many move points in their socks, sweetheart. And I happen to believe that anyone who imperils a child should get everything they deserve.”

Oh. So this wasn’t technically an evil deed. This was balancing the scales on a vigilante basis. Seeking justice on those who were currently beyond it.

“Pick a pair that looks cool,” prompted Taako. “Baby needs new shoes, after all.”

“I’m not a baby,” protested Angus. Well. Maybe by comparison, he was. But Taako was correct. Angus did need shoes. He sorted the boots into pairs and tried to pick a set that he figured would be the best.

Taako used Fabricate to not only create a picket line for the horses, but also to create a pair of rather bland socks. Angus-sized socks.

Angus picked the most practical-looking boots. “I like these ones, sir.”

“All right.” Horses picketed, he set the selected boots aside and circled his wand around them. The boots shrank down and down until they were slightly a little too large for Angus’ feet. “There you go. New shoes. Grats. Let’s get a breakfast going.”

This time, it was a cauldron and a bucket of water from the nearby stream, some oats, cream, herbs, spices, and a couple of the green apples that Angus didn’t like to eat raw. They tasted nice enough in the pancakes, so Angus trusted them to taste pretty good when they were cooked.

He put the shoes and socks on and watched at Taako’s elbow. Herbs and apples went into the water, which soon began to boil and smell delicious. Taako hummed as he stirred. Added oats by the handful. Glanced at Angus and added a few more.

“This is just a basic aromatic porridge,” said Taako. “Usually, I’d add a few more fruits and spices. Make it special.” The oats were turning into gloopy porridge. Swelling up in the hot water. “I’m… I’m not doing special for a while, at least.”

The porridge started to get really gloopy when Taako added the cream. Angus noted that Taako’s wand was tangled up on the braids at the back of his head. Far away from where his hands were working. Taako was incredibly careful about keeping magic away from his work. He genuinely believed that his magic was to blame.

“And done,” Taako announced, taking the cauldron off the fire. “There’s a couple of bowls and spoons in the caravan, the drawer nearest the door under the bed on the left.”

Angus had already found them. “I’m sure I can find them, sir.”

He did that, and came racing back with the bowls and spoons. The porridge was just as delicious as the pancakes. Even more so. Once again, he got the lion’s share. Taako ate sparingly. Nursed a bowlful during Angus’ seconds and thirds.

Taako saw nothing wrong with using magic to clean up. Not that there was much to clean.

In the process of breaking camp -Angus easily helped with the carrying and storing- Taako said, “Is there anything you need to do about this… Kalith joker? I could… I could help. And then you- you’d have all that extra brain power for figuring out my biz.”

“No, I have enough to give the authorities with muscle something to use. And the mercenaries in Phandalin will be… impeded.”

“Okay,” said Taako. “We go to Enchormaj. You do the authority thing, I fence the extra horses and the boots… and then we find somewhere away from everywhere and work out the Glamour Springs deal. Sounds like a plan.”

“Aren’t you worried about being spotted?”

Taako smiled at him and waved his hands. Suddenly, a desert Elf was standing in Taako’s place. Their long hair dark and slightly greasy. Their face as dun as the desert sands. “Nobody’s going to spot Taako,” he said. And with a snap of his fingers, he was back to being himself. “Wizard. Remember that.”

That worked. One horse got herself hitched up to the caravan. The other five trailed behind the storage cart on leads. And then they were off at the pace of a pleasant amble.

Angus waited for Taako to break the silence. Ask a question. Say _anything_ at all. But this was apparently an Elf who was comfortable with silence.

Angus broke first. “My name is Angus McDonald, by the way.”

No reaction.

“I doubt you heard of me. Uhm. I was at your show in Rockport, two years ago. You… you cooked the best cookies in the world, even though they had raisins in them.”

“Raisins offset the blandness of the oats and the sharpness of the ginger,” said Taako. “Little pops of sweetness to accentuate the crystallized maple sap in the recipe.”

Angus waited for a story. None were forthcoming. “What happened to the Stage Wagon, sir?”

A sigh. “I tipped the oven into it while it was still burning. It’s ashes. Ashes and charcoal.” He flicked the reins, urging the horse onwards. “My show is cancelled until further notice,” he said in a please-stop-talking voice.

“It’s a pity,” said Angus. “You might be the best chef in all Faerun.”

“Nope. I’m a fraud. A liar. A charlatan. A thief and a shitty, shitty, idiot wizard. There’s a reason I’m alone. Why… why I have nobody…”

“You have me, sir.”

“...not gonna last,” mumbled Taako. He fell silent all the rest of the way to Enchormaj.


	2. Chapter 2

To be more than honest, Angus expected Taako to be long gone by the time he returned to the campsite. But the pretty little caravan was still there. And the one horse that Taako apparently liked. The other five were gone, but there was the beginnings of a hearty stew in the camp cauldron. On a slow simmer.

Angus settled on the step and started a new page in his notebook. Took down the relevant facts about the case that he knew so far.

Where was Glamour Springs. When came care of the local Fantasy Newspaper. Three days before Angus had found Taako in the wilderness near Phandalin. How, according to Taako, was poison. The who and the why were the mystery.

Angus couldn’t slip the feeling that it wasn’t Taako. That it also wasn’t an accident.

The Stage Wagon was noted down as lost evidence. There was the caravan and the supply cart remaining. And Angus had already searched the caravan.

He put away the notebook and went looking in the supply cart. If an adult wanted to hide something from casual view, they usually hid it close to the ceiling. But if they were wily, and didn’t want something found by other adults, they would conceal it close to or under floor level.

Angus had solved quite a few cases by looking under the floorboards.

There was no false bottom to either carriage. But the relative mess of a supply cart could conceal all sorts of things. And he knew the best way to search it thoroughly. His mother, when she was alive, said that the best way to find anything was by cleaning up everything else. And she was exactly right.

Sadly for Angus, there were more than a few things that were too big and too heavy to move or tidy up. Therefore, they stayed where they were. He shut the cart again and sat on the step to write,  _ Initial search turned up nothing. Some items too heavy to move. _

A Drow approached the wagon. They were wearing sunglasses and the usual eclectic attitude towards clothing that all Elves seemed to share. And a wizard’s hat almost -no-  _ exactly _ like Taako’s. And since no two wizard’s hats were alike… “Hello, sir. How did the trading go?”

“You are entirely too canny for your own good,” said Taako.

“It was the hat, sir. It’s very distinctive.”

Taako snapped his fingers, and now it was an elaborate, wide-brimmed hat with no peak and a lot of unnecessary decoration. “Better eat more than you’re used to, tonight. We’re leaving at dawn.”

“Did you offend some people, sir?”

“Let’s just say that they’re on the look-out for a red-headed Sun Elf with a nick out of his right ear and a talent for Charm Person.”

“Were you up to some chicanery, sir?”

As if in answer, Taako pulled a Fantasy Newspaper out of his bag of holding. On the front page were the words,  _ PERSONS OF INTEREST _ , followed by portraits of both Taako and a human man with a slightly unkempt look. It was a more recent one than the one Angus had fished out of a refuse bin.

“When you’re on the run, there’s no room for following the rule of law.”

Angus took the paper inside to glean all the details he could from the article. It was hot news, and went on for four pages.

“This is also yours,” said Taako, dumping a large parcel on the caravan floor. He left as quickly as he came, putting things away inside the storage cart. And then he was outside and testing the stew.

Angus took notes from the newspaper. Lots of it was hyperbole about the scene of the crime. There was even a woodcut. Five woodcuts. Forty people had died where they stood. A macabre audience seated or lying where they fell in front of a burned and ruined Stage Coach. The only survivor was the horse, identified as Edgar, out of the two horses known to pull along Taako’s show.

The other horse, Goldie, had turned up in Enchormaj, just two days ago. Authorities were looking for both Taako and a human man named Sazed Baker, as they were witnesses at the very least to what had gone on there.

Speculation was rampant, of course. Conspiracy theories flew about like confused pigeons, and most of them were documented in the paper. Some said there was a lich, some said there was a necromancer. Some said lightning struck the gas generator that Taako used in his show. Some said that it was a mass poisoning because Taako had grown tired of fame. Some said it was an accident and the Elf was now fleeing in a blind panic.

Either way, the papers advised that concerned citizens were to detain these people, and not kill them. They were the only survivors of Glamour Springs who could talk.

Angus knew for a fact that persons of interest suffered an eighty percent death rate from concerned citizens who had decided that they were guilty and then killed them. No wonder Taako was being circumspect.

Angus wrote,  _ Taako has likely been in legal trouble during his past. _ Since it was self-evident that he also knew about the astonishing death rate for persons of interest.

There were lots of Elves about Taako’s age who had checkered pasts. Taako had already stolen horses and boots, and now he was avoiding the law. He smoked ‘lion, which wasn’t exactly illegal, but wasn’t exactly smiled upon, either. He got drunk, and he used Charm Person to get his way in deals.

Taako may be a good chef, but he may not be an entirely good person.

Angus folded up the paper and put it away. Investigated the large parcel. It was a junior adventurer’s kit, but Taako had added an Amulet of Detect Poison which would light up if any such thing was about to enter the wearer’s body. There was also a set of hardy adventuring clothes in Angus’ size, though there was clearly some room to grow into. And a Starter’s Wand.

It was a simple thing. Just an average piece of turned wood with a handle at one end and a small crystal embedded in the other. And there was a book.  _ The Forager’s Guide to the Edible Plants and Animals of Faerun. _

This was not the gift of a man who planned to kill. Nor was it the gift of a man who had reason to fear the truth.

This was the gift of someone who had had to survive with nothing and nobody, and never wanted to see another suffering the same fate.

“Stew’s ready,” called Taako. “Come get it while the getting’s good.”

Taako was also wearing an Amulet of Detect Poison, and fielded Angus before he could reach the stew. “Whoah. Whoah. No eating my cooking without the amulet on. I know I got two of them. Scoot back and put it on, little man.”

“I didn’t want to look like I don’t trust you, sir,” said Angus.

“Adorable. However, I don’t trust myself, right now. Scoot. Wear it. Never take it off.”

He really did believe that he could poison someone by accident after literal decades of successful cooking. Angus sighed and did what he was told. Only then did he get a heaping helping of deliciously aromatic stew.

Taako only had half a bowl, eating slowly. His hand shook whenever he lifted his spoon. He kept his gaze aimed at either his, or Angus’ amulet. And he kept himself coiled to spring.

Whatever had happened at Glamour Springs, it had certainly done a number on Taako’s self-confidence.

Angus ate until his stomach protested. Taako picked at his half a bowl. “Aren’t you hungry, sir?” Angus asked. “You’ve hardly eaten anything much in the past few days we’ve known each other.”

“Kids need more than grownups,” Taako murmured. There was only scrapings in the bottom of the cauldron. He tipped them into his bowl. It barely reached the quarter mark. “It’s… uh. Important. That you get everything you need.”

Angus said, “The truth is important, sir.”

Taako looked away. Winced. “Fine. I-- I don’t believe I deserve to eat, right now.”

Angus risked reaching out a comforting hand, and laid it on Taako’s elbow. “Even the worst murderers get proper meals, sir.”

Taako sighed. “M’kay. I’ll… I’ll try to eat. Between you, me, and the nobody who cares, my appetite’s gone to shit ever since…”

Angus ran and got a pair of red apples from the storage cart and gave them to Taako. “Please eat, sir? I think you’re going to need your strength for what’s ahead.”

Taako nibbled at one. “Whatever the truth is… I’ll… I’ll go with it. If I did it, I’ll turn myself in.”

“There’s a chance you could be innocent, sir,” said Angus.

Nibble nibble. “Slim,” said Taako. He didn’t say anything else for the rest of the night. 

Angus watched him try to eat for as long as he could do so. A full belly made him drowsy and Taako kept gnawing slowly at one apple, and then the other. Bit by bit, his eyes kept closing for longer and longer. The crickets soothed him and the balmy night weather helped him to drop off.


	3. Chapter 3

Angus woke in the caravan wearing an oversized shirt with the _Sizzle it Up!_ logo on it. The caravan was moving along at a reasonable pace. Faster than they had moved towards Enchormaj. The road was bumpy and uneven and young trees brushed the sides of the caravan as they passed by.

Angus found his way to the driver’s seat, where Taako was steering the wagons along roads less travelled. “Where are we going, sir?”

“Far away,” Taako answered. He turned the horse down another path that didn’t look like a path at all. It was the ghost of a road. A path that would lead to somewhere long dead and abandoned and very possibly spooky. There were only the sounds of birds and branches scraping against the caravan. “We need a clear space away from everything.”

After a few more hours, the trees widened out and they entered a clearing. Taako looked positively astounded. Shocked and awed. “It can’t be,” he whispered.

There were old buildings. Very old. Some were only held up by the vines that had overtaken them. Taako dropped the reins and ran out into the remains of the streets. “...oghma,” he whispered. “It _is_.”

“It is what, sir?”

Taako swept his arms wide. “Welcome to Tre Llew-Ddion, kiddo. I was born here. Well. Not here, here. The hospice was over that way,” he pointed over to a pile of rocks that a tree was growing out of. “Shit. After all this time I finally get back to the one place that was ever home…” Hysterical laughter. “And it’s just as much a wreck as my miserable fucking life.”

Angus decided to try and steer him back to their goal. “You said we’d need a clearing?”

“Right. Right. Find the truth. Just like we said. Market Square was… uh… this way.” He lead the horse by the reins through the overgrown streets. Until they came to a wide swath of what was now meadow. “Guess this’ll do. Mind if I say a few prayers?”

“Take your time, sir.”

It took less than an hour. Taako invoked Oghma far more seriously than he had to date. Praying for intervention on his behalf. Praying for guidance in finding the truth behind that which sore hurt his heart. And finally, praying for peace of mind.

Finally, he said, “Okay. Let’s do this,” and cast an Illusion.

It was the lost Stage Coach in transparent shades of blue, and there was a ghostly Taako in a two-foot-high toque overlain by the actual Taako in his two-foot wizard’s hat. Of course, since Taako was standing at ground level, everything that would have been below the floor was also under the ground.

“Can you show me how the whole camp was laid out, please?” said Angus. “I’d like to be thorough, sir.” He had his notebook out.

“Sure. Sure. Uh. The storage cart was over there,” it sprang up in a cloud of sparks. “And we had the caravan towards the back with the campfire and the washtub,” those, too, appeared. “Goldie and Edgar were on a picket line behind the Stage. We had the merch table between the audience and the supplies… Uh. Sazed? He was… sulking again. Lurking in the supply cart when the show started.”

“And what were you doing, sir?”

“The show,” and Taako started his lines. “Hail and well met, beautiful people of Glamour Springs. My name is Taako, you might know me from T. V. And I am here to entertain and nourish _you._ ”

The real Taako mimed along with ghost Taako. As if he had done this a million times, but the wand never entered real Taako’s hand. Magic - the memory of magic - was flying all over the place. The ghost audience was wowed.

So was Angus.

So much so that he almost didn’t notice the ghostly blue figure that entered the Stage.

“Wait. Stop.”

Everything froze. “What is it, pumpkin?”

“Can you take it back a minute?”

“Uh…” the images blurred and re-formed. “How’s that?”

The ghostly blue human man was coming out of the trailer.

“How do you know where Sazed was at this time?”

“Oh. The door and the second step make a very distinctive noise if you’re heavy. And Sazed had a footfall like an elephant. I always knew where he was.”

“He has something in his hand,” noted Angus. “Can you move things forward in time very slowly?”

“Okay. This is starting to hurt my dome, though.”

Ghost-Sazed entered the Stage. He was wearing the _Sizzle it Up!_ apron and acting like he belonged. He lifted up a lid…

“Stop. What’s Sazed doing?”

Taako turned away from syncing with his show. “He’s… He’s adding something to the slow cooker. That’s… that’s not part of this recipe. That needed to be left alone.” The show moved forward and Sazed returned the lid and walked back out again. ”That son of a bitch changed my recipe! And he used my fireworks to cover it! But--” Taako gestured at the ghostly small pot on the stove. “He didn’t add anything to my sampler. I’d always taste from the stove. The audience got the bulk stuff from the slow cooker…”

Angus took all this down. “And where did Sazed go after he did that?”

“He set up the camp table. I heard that clanking about… Uh… then… then he went back to the storage cart as I began to plate up. When. When the people started getting sick, he… he came back out.”

“Was he carrying anything then, sir?”

“No. His hands were empty.”

“So there’s two places he could have left something. The caravan… and the supply cart.”

They emptied out the supply cart. Taako used Levitate to move the heavier things. And there, between a crate of printed shirts and one of the apple barrels, was a small phial.

Angus used a Bag of Preservation to pick it up, and encased the phial in its gauze. “Nobody else should have touched this, which means that law-aligned diviners can use this to track down the last person who _did_ touch it.”

The illusions were fading away into sparkles. Taako was staring. “Does that label say what I think it says?”

“It says _arsenic_ , sir.”

Taako gasped, both fists to his mouth. His eyes wide and already overflowing. “Oh gods. Did he--”

“There’s reason to believe he did, sir.”

“Because I wouldn’t let him on the fucking _show_ ? Forty people _died_ because he couldn’t fucking learn how to face the gods-damned _audience_? What the FUCK?” Taako raged his way outside and started yelling at Sazed again.

Angus followed to be certain that he wouldn’t hurt himself. He looked angry enough to start punching walls.

“You stupid piece of shit, you couldn’t fucking learn how to have a _stage presence_ , so you thought you’d sink _me_ so you’d take over? You’d be starving before winter, you HACK! You have all the acting skill of a cardboard fucking prop! You’ve got negatives in your Perform stat! Roll to throw me under the omnibus, asshole! Next time I see you, you’ll have Magic Missiles up your ass! Now I’m fucking _glad_ we never fucked, asshole! You missed out on _all_ of this! You gods-damned homophobic, muscle-bound, lard-brained, offal-eating, scum-sucking son of a _bitch_ ! I wish I’d never met you! I wish you’d never been _born_! I wish your parents had never bumped uglies in a fucking pig sty!” Taako ran out of anger and fell to his knees. Started sobbing. “I wish I’d never loved you…”

Well. That seemed to be over. Angus fetched Taako’s comforter and draped it over the emotional Elf’s shoulders. “Were you and he… lovers, sir?”

“Almost,” Taako sighed. “I fell. Hard. He… couldn’t go all the way. Gods. I’m ashamed I tried to seduce him a couple of times. More than a couple of times.” Sniff. Taako wiped his face. “Fuck me. I only just realised… he let me go further every time he wanted something. He was using me. I let him in and he _used_ me.” He raked his hand through his hair and came short on some tangles. It had, after all, been curling and uncurling with Taako’s emotions for a couple of hours.

“You stay here and settle down, sir. Let me help?”

He was trying to catch his breath, he was trembling, but he was still able to nod.

Angus ran. Fetched some relaxing tea leaves and the cauldron. Made a fire. Started some water boiling and finally fetched Taako’s comb and began combing the knots out of those golden locks while the water boiled.

Taako relaxed the instant he realised what Angus was doing. He was still trembling, and tears still fell, and he gripped the comforter with spasmodic grasps of his hands. “He’d set up for our after-show dinner,” he said, apropos of nothing. “I screamed and upset the table, I thought I’d saved his life… He… he had no intention of being poisoned.”

Angus kept combing. It really was very nice hair. Softer than silk. Smoother than Spiderweave. “We have enough to warrant his arrest, sir.”

When half the knots were out, Taako said, “I fucking burned the Stage Wagon. That was like fifteen hundred GP, not including all the stuff I had in there. Fuck. I fucking ruined my chances of getting back up there.”

“Perhaps you should take a sabbatical anyway, sir,” suggested Angus, still combing. “You’re obviously traumatised by the events, and time to come back to yourself would be recommended.”

Taako was staring at him. “How old are you?”

“I’m six, sir.”

“When I was six, I could barely read Common. How can you have a vocabulary like a fucking encyclopedia?”

“I really like to read, sir. It’s the best way to find things out.”

The water was boiling. Angus gave Taako a large mug of tea that he sweetened with maple sap crystals from the storage cart. Taako blew on it and sniffed. “Chamomile. Good for relaxation. I’m told it tastes like a weak perfume.” He sipped.

“Does it, sir?”

“Wouldn’t know. Every libation I have had has tasted like key lime go-gurt since I was eighteen.” Blow. Sip. “It’s a long story that you probably shouldn’t hear until you’re older. Way older.” Blow. Sip. “Ol’ Taako has himself a colourful past.”

Angus gave himself a smaller cup of tea. It did, indeed, taste like a weak perfume. Cloyingly floral and slightly bitter. He decided it was too gross to drink.

“Time for a celebratory feast,” said Taako. “Bank that fire up, I’ll show you how to make campfire roast pumpkin stuffed with aromatic nut bread.”


	4. Chapter 4

It had taken two days to return to civilisation. But not to Enchormaj. The city they reached was Arrendaal. Taako instantly disguised himself the second he spotted the city gates. Currently, Angus was sitting next to an Elf woman with flowing, jet-black hair and a hat with a forest of feathers attached to it.

“What’s your business?” asked the guard.

“I found this poor lost boy on the road. Where- where is the nearest facility of the law?” said Taako.

“Follow the main street to the big building with ‘city guard’ written on the side. You can’t miss it.”

“And parking?”

“There’s a civilian campground on the other side of the street, ma’am.”

“Thank you, kind sir.” And Taako reached for a purse.

“Uh. Gratuities are not necessary, ma’am. We are literally paid to help.”

“Pleasant change,” said Taako, and encouraged the horse onwards. The streets were busy and alive with all kinds of action. Taako didn’t seem to pay it any mind. Watching the cart in front of their caravan with all the interest of any regular man watching paint dry.

The key was in the subtle twitching of Taako’s ears. He was listening without seeming to listen. Keeping an ear out for anything interesting, hazardous, or dangerous. Angus watched Taako. Trying to figure out how he did it. How he could listen without turning his head.

Angus tried it, too. Just listening to the passing chatter. Fragments of chatter.

“...price of figs in Goldcliff…”

“...can’t get any of the gluck off of the thing…”

“...spline actuator…”

“...absolutely  _ has _ to be the frigit span…”

Angus couldn’t get anything useful at it, but he still tried all the way to the City Guard building. And the Civilian parking lot on the other side of the road.

Taako’s hand was shaking when he took Angus’ so they could cross the road.

And it was the fact of the hand-holding that shook Angus. They’d only been together for a handful of days, but Taako was showing uncharacteristic levels of caring for a relative stranger. Certainly, he was personable for the show, but all other accounts held that he was rarely in the company of anyone else but his manager, Sazed.

Taako didn’t get close to people, but he got close to Angus the instant he revealed that he was an orphan. He spent more than he had to on Angus’ kit, and went to greater lengths than a stranger might for any lost child. Angus might guess that Taako had been forced to trust in the kindness of strangers in his past, and failed to receive much.

And then there was the business of teaching. On their way to Arrendaal, Taako had taught Angus some essential cantrips. His Mage Hand was still wobbly and unfocused, but he was getting competent at Produce Flame. And then there was the vital knowledge that a wand didn’t have to be fancy. A wizard could use a dry hazel twig, if necessary, to be their conduit and focus.

That sort of thing could save a life.

And speaking of saving lives, Taako also taught Angus all the different edible plants they could find. To think, he had been inwardly complaining about nuts and berries when there was an entire larder around him. And now he knew the difference between poisonous fungi and delicious ones. Taako seemed very invested in teaching Angus how to avoid being poisoned.

They waited at the front desk. Angus was an island of calm next to the jittering bundle of nerves that was the still-disguised Taako.

Taako looked at the height of the thing. “Do you-- uh. Do you need me to hold you up?”

“That would be very helpful,” he narrowly avoided saying ‘sir’. “Thank you.”

Taako was awkward at hugs, and didn’t know how to lift or hold a child, but it was clear that he was trying his best. “Before everything goes south,” Taako murmured, “I- I wanted to- to- to thank you. For all of your help.”

“It won’t go south, sir,” Angus whispered.

The ‘sir’ caught the attention of the guard staffing the main desk, and he stared at Taako’s illusory cleavage. “Uh. How can I help you two?”

Angus took the lead, “My name is Angus McDonald. If you wish to check my credentials, I advise that you get into contact with the Chief of Rockport City Watch. I am the world’s greatest detective, and I have vital evidence in the Glamour Springs case. And an essential witness.”

“It’s been a week,” said the guard. “How could you possibly--?”

“I  _ did _ say ‘world’s greatest detective’, sir.”

They were shunted into a little waiting lounge and given tea and cookies. The latter of which, Taako critiqued in a low murmur.

Angus tried the listening trick. This time, he was mentally watching out for words like, “Glamour Springs” and “case file” or “Rockport”. He got a lot more information, since those were the words he was listening out for.

“...kid’s actually who he says he is. Solved a serial murder case, just last month. Hell, I expect the perp to be in chains by next week with  _ him _ on the case.”

“But he’s a  _ child _ .”

“Correction. Child prodigy. That little boy is a fucking  _ genius _ . Rolled a natural twenty for his Int score. Let’s get a scribe and a cleric and get everything out of him and his witness.”

“We can do this, Koko,” Taako whispered. His legs were shaking like a leaf. One heel beating a rapid tattoo on the floor. “We can do this. Brave up.”

Odd choice of words, perhaps, but it was working. Sort of. “I’m staying with you, sir. It’s going to be fine.”

Taako gave an uncertain murmur and finished his tea.

An officer, a cleric, and a scribe walked into the room. Taako’s hand tightened on Angus’ and his breathing quickened.

“No need to fear, ma’am. We’re going to start with the evidence before we move on to your testimony,” said the officer. The scribe was taking everything down already.

“This is- this is super -uh- -uh- unnerving for me,” Taako confessed.

Angus explained the basics, starting with the existence of the caravan and storage cart in the public campgrounds, and finishing with the presentation of the arsenic bottle. “Nobody has touched it since it was used. Your diviners should have no problems using it to track down the perpetrator.” He handed over the Bag of Preservation.

The officer handed it to someone outside to take to the boys in the Divination Laboratory. Told them to get Track and Trace on it.

Then the Cleric cast Zone of Truth.

“Now. Miss,” said the officer. “Let’s start with your name, what your will save roll was, and how you know what happened in Glamour Springs.”

Taako snapped his fingers and revealed his true self. “Hi. I’m Taako from T.V. I rolled a three, and I was on fucking stage when that stupid fuck Sazed poured gods-damned arsenic into my thirty-clove garlic chicken.”

He repeated the illusion trick, but the blue campsite was no larger than the table Taako presented it on. Angus helped with walking through the evidence, and how Taako could know what was going on beyond his line of sight.

Which included a demonstration. By showing the officers what was going on in the surrounding rooms at that moment. It included a reveal some fraternisation in the ranks, and in the supply closet, before the officer interviewing Taako was satisfied and told him to dispel the illusion.

Meanwhile, the diviners reported that the phial was pointing them to a city called Alligator Springs. Calls were going to be made via Stones of Farspeech, and Taako had a panic attack so bad that the Cleric had to also cast Calm Emotion.

The rest of his answers were in a strangely numb voice. And it was over before sunset.

Taako was politely asked to remain in Arrendaal until Sazed was captured and brought in. Then the trial would happen in Glamour Springs. Taako, still in the Zone of Truth, confessed that he wanted to run. The entire concept of being in a court of law terrified him. He had, after all, lied, cheated, stolen, done drugs, and prostituted himself during his long and colourful past. As well as run an impressive catalogue of scams during his youth, just to scrape by.

The officers present seemed impressed.

“That was during the Xenophobia Wars, right?”

“Yeah. And the aftermath. It… it wasn’t a pretty time.”

“There’s an amnesty. Nobody will ask you about matters that don’t pertain to the case.”

“I’m… still not a good person,” said Taako. “I might run anyway. I’m a coward. Amongst many, many other flaws.”

“We could lay a compulsion on you,” said the Cleric. “If you volunteer, it will be easier for you.”

Taako didn’t even pause. “Okay. Yeah. Lay it on me. Keep me fuckin’ honest for a stretch.”

Taako was bound to stay within two miles of Sergeant Pauley, who was the officer managing the case, now. Officially in protective custody until such time as the trial resolved things once and for all. There was even a guard posted on the caravan.


	5. Chapter 5

“We made the news again,” said Taako. The newspaper had a one word headline,  _ BETRAYED! _ And showed the glamour shot of Taako from his promotional glossies. The report was, once again, a mixture of hyperbole and the truth. It also reported that Sazed had been captured and almost beaten to within an inch of his life by a group of concerned citizens.

By all reports, Sazed was headed towards Glamour Springs under heavy guard and heavier security. Taako was co-operating with authorities and had provided vital evidence under a Zone of Truth. The phial of arsenic, the adulterated meal, the fact that Sazed had pre-meditated mass murder were all available to the public of Arrendaal.

And Sergeant Pauley was knocking on the caravan’s larger door. “Break camp. We’re going to Glamour Springs. I’m driving.”

Of course he was. He and the three other Arrendaal guards were Taako’s protective custody. They had pocket tents and supplies for the journey. An AC so high that almost nobody could hurt them.

And Taako was still a nervous wreck. All the way there.


	6. Chapter 6

He was trembling as he put his left hand on the Truth Stone. He lost his will save - it was impossible to win it - and recited the verifiable facts of his life. Under the thrall of it, he recited what he knew and when he knew it. What he believed until the truth was revealed. The chain of events in chronological and anti-chronological order. He even summoned the recreation of the crime for the jury.

“I didn’t poison them,” he finished, “but I’ll regret to my dying day the fact that I fed them all their deaths.”

Sazed had to be forced to keep his hand on the Truth Stone. It took two burly guards and a set of special shackles. But when they were done, Sazed angrily blurted out the truth. All of it. Including some colourful insults to Taako’s sexuality that should not be repeated. Ever.

Taako honestly tried to restrain his emotions, but the heartbreak in his face was clear, even to the press watching in the gallery.

The jury took less than an hour to condemn Sazed to a life in prison. He wasn’t even worth a quick death by hanging.

Sergeant Pauley broke the compulsion by telling Taako, “You’re free to go.”

Taako didn’t have much to say to the press. Just, “This has been an emotional journey for me and…  _ Sizzle it Up! With Taako _ is -uh- officially on hiatus until further notice. Now. If you don’t mind, I owe an amazing little boy a lift home.”


	7. Chapter 7

Angus suspected that all was not as it seemed about Taako. Angus had spent some time in the Public Records section of the Arrendaal library and couldn’t find any record of Taako by his current name or his Elven childhood eke name, Koko.

In fact, though the history was correct, there was no trace of him before six years ago. It was if he sprang up, fully formed, for his first recorded show in Mudwater Hollow.

Taako’s map seemed to echo this. It was marked about with all the places he’d been. Ink fading on the older entries. But the oldest mark had nothing before it. Nothing had happened before Mudwater Hollow.

But Taako was not even trying to bluff. Angus could tell. Perhaps he was cursed.

They had plenty of time before they got to Rockport. Taako was enjoying a relaxed travelling pace and Angus was enjoying all the lessons that Taako had to teach. And now Taako was identifying birds by their songs.

“Sir?” said Angus. “Where were you before you had your first show in Mudwater Hollow?”

“Uh… Remember I do a lot of ‘lion and I get drunk a lot. There’s -uh- gaps in the old recall, y’know.”

“I’ve noticed, sir. You don’t often dedicate a lot of energy to remember people’s names. Or use them.”

“Everything’s transient, kid. For every good thing that comes by, there’s some sucky shit that’s -uh- gonna rip that away.”

“I’d really like to know, though, sir.”

“Know what?”

“Where were you before Mudwater Hollow?”

“Uh… I think there was a boat… I was… sad… Some… someone… was crying?” Taako started a cold sweat. One hand let go of the reins to clutch at his stomach. He burped dangerously. “Oog. Take the reins. I need to lie down.”

Interesting.

Angus followed any signs that pointed to Rockport and pondered what this particular symptom meant. Nausea was obviously a deterrent. Someone didn’t want Taako remembering something about a boat and what went on there. And there were no ports anywhere near to Mudwater Hollow.

It made no sense at all.

Angus disliked a mystery with nonsensical pieces. This was something that warranted some further investigation. And, he had to admit -if only to himself- that Taako was the first person who actually  _ cared _ since his parents had perished.

Taako was not naturally a parental type, but he worried. He imparted survival information and was very concerned about Angus’ health and wellbeing. More concerned than he was for his own.

Over the weeks on the road, Angus learned that Taako slept instead of meditating, and that caused night terrors. Angus was getting used to settling Taako down from random nightmares. It was telling that, even in his dreams, Taako trusted Angus’ rational voice.

As the sun came towards the horizon, Angus found a campsite by the side of the road and pulled up. He checked on Taako, who had stopped sweating and feeling ill, but was still a little shaky when he got up to show Angus how to properly picket a horse.

They fried up slices of sausage with the last of the eggs, that night, and Taako smoked a few dandelion leaves to settle any remaining nerves.

“Thing about having nobody,” he said, “is that it sucks. The kindness of strangers isn’t worth shit, and the older you look, the less likely people are to even care. Hungry sucks. Cold really sucks.” Puff. “I still fucking hate winter. I hate the cold. I hate starving.” Puff. “You ever heard of St Vingo’s? The reform school? Fucking torture house. They said I had a ‘disordered relationship’ with food and comfort. It’s not fucking disordered to snatch whatever you can get when it’s available. Fucking shits.” Puff. “You deserve better than that, sweetie. Anyone deserves better than that. So. Until you don’t need me any more? Until you’re…” A hand waved in the air. “ _ Okay _ . I’m there. Nobody questions a kid when there’s an adult minding them.” Puff. “Nothing lasts. But I’m lasting until you tell me to fuck off.”

Angus considered where this ‘lion-induced ramble had come from and seemed to be going. Taako’s entire life was rejection and abandonment. He’d just come out of an event where his career ended. Where his life was at risk. “I don’t think I’m going to do that any time soon.”

Puff, puff. “Hm. You’ll get back to your Rockport Mansion and your lawyer and your mansion staff or whatever and you won’t need Taako any more.” He smiled in a weird kind of sweet melancholy. “Things end. Don’t worry. I’m used to it. Got pretty good at picking up the pieces.” Puff. “That’s a lie. I’m a hot mess for like, two days and  _ then _ I pick up the pieces.”

“It’s going to be okay, sir,” soothed Angus. “You’ll see.”


	8. Chapter 8

Rockport. City on the Grow.

Miller Laboratories had their brain trust and campus here. The Street of Artificers had become a district. The city watch recognised Angus in a cold second and gave Taako and his caravan an escort all the way to the aptly named Mansion HIlls.

Taako kept his pipe out of sight and didn’t even think of conjuring an alcoholic beverage. Which meant that his nerves were on edge and he was almost vibrating with paranoia. He’d have given the kid to the city watch and fled for his life if Angus hadn’t been holding his hand and talking a mile a minute about all the things that the kid wanted to show Taako.

“And wait ‘til you see the kitchens, sir. You might go ga-ga. Albear insisted on every modern convenience, sir. There’s even a machine that can produce ice cream in the middle of summer, sir.”

“Sounds like it might be fun,” agreed Taako. The only problem was that autumn was closing in. And Taako hated the cold. “Listen. I’ve been following summer around Faerun for six years. Uh. And I don’t exactly _have_ cold-weather gear.”

“That’s fine. My finances should cover a winter wardrobe for you, sir. Even _with_ your eclectic fashion sense. And I see no problem with hosting your stay during the colder months. The mansion’s… kind’a empty since my parents died.”

“Life gets empty when your parents die,” said Taako.

Angus sighed. “Yeah. Us orphans gotta stick together.”

Taako draped his arm over Angus’ shoulders. It was simpler on the road, when he was teaching a lost kid how to make it on his own. But every journey had a destination, and every story had an end. His people would whisk Angus away and then politely but firmly tell Taako that he wasn’t as welcome as Angus made out. And, if he was lucky, the city watch would let Taako leave town. If he was unlucky, the city watch would _make_ Taako leave town.

And he’d never see this adorable little boy again.

Which actually managed to break Taako’s shrivelled and blackened heart. But he was getting practiced at not showing his pain. He was a performer. He had done shows drunk off his ass, high as a kite, and on one nasty occasion, mis-dosed by an alchemist and suffering. He could seem like he was cool with this. He could put on one last show for a child.

A child who knew most of his tells, of course, and was comforting him all the way to his true home.

He wanted to damn this child for making him care beyond himself again, but he couldn’t summon the hatred.

The family crest was two golden arches, joined in the middle to create something of an M. That join parted for Taako’s wagon, the city watch, but mostly for Angus. And the building on the hill was a freaking _castle_. An updated castle, of course. Renovated to be certain that the place wasn’t cold, drafty, or miserable. But still. A fucking castle!

With its own liveried guard, who joined the fucking parade to the front door. Where a staff was waiting for him.

Angus was greeting them by name. “Hello, Fortescue. Hello, Miss Werthers. Hello, Pincost. Hello, Mr Worley. I’m back, and no worse off for my adventures. This is Taako. You know, from T.V.? I picked up his case and exonerated him for the mass poisoning at Glamour Springs.”

Taako saw it all in an instant. This collection of staffers had been hoping to knobble the kid and collect the fortune. They were very nervous that Angus had shown back up. Alive. Unharmed. And with a wizard stranger in tow. And the best way to expose their little plot was to be a fly in their ointment and seem like he had a fraction of his Int points.

“Hail and well met,” said Taako. “I found this little boy in the forest. He’s mine, now.” And that was all the warning they were going to get. “Someone put a whole bunch of rocks in front of your house, little man.”

Angus, who had seen some of Taako’s chicanery over the past few weeks, instantly clued on that this was a ruse. And didn’t say a word. “He’s still upset about the turns of events, and down on his luck. So I’ve offered to let him winter here.”

“He’s a nice boy,” said Taako. “I like him. Can I keep him? I’ll feed him and take him for walks and everything.” Who looked relieved? Who was sizing him up as a patsy?

“Come on, sir.” Angus took his hand. “I’ll show you my rooms, and then you can pick your rooms. The suites have hot and cold running water. And indoor plumbing.”

“Who’s going to look after the doggie?” said Taako, pointing at the horse. He and Angus had named him Caleb. Mostly on Angus’ insistence.

Angus was getting better at acting aggrieved. Or he wasn’t acting. “The estate ostler will look after Caleb, sir. And park your caravan somewhere with a view. I really want to show you around, sir.”

“Sure thing. Give me the tuppenny tour. Uh. Where’s the donations box?” He made a show of fishing in his money pouch.

“Don’t worry about that, now, sir. Just walk this way.”

Oh, thank Oghma, a feed line. “I can’t walk that way, my legs are too long.” He glanced behind. Oh ho. It was a four-person huddle.

Angus lead him into the library, and a reading nook he must have favoured whenever he stayed here. Sat Taako down in the window seat. “I know you’re up to shenanigans, sir. What’s happening?”

Taako reduced his voice to a whisper. Kept an ear open for any approach. “I really should have been teaching you my Gang’s Cant,” he said. “Those four people? They’re after your fortune. You’re in grave danger, Angel.” Taako had called Angus many variations on his name, Ango being the most frequent. But whenever he let it slip that he cared a little too much for his comfort levels, ‘Angel’ was the one that popped out.

“From my staff? But… the estate pays them. The payments would stop if I died.”

“And what happens to the family fortune when your lovely life ends, darling?”

“It goes to Fortescue, the family lawyer. And he distributes it to assorted charities according to my parents’ will.”

“I’m guessing he also manages the finances. Keeps the books?”

“Yes…?”

“ _Cooks_ the books?” suggested Taako.

Angus’ deep brown eyes went wide. “Oh.”

“Yeah. We’re gonna have to improv, darling. And that means that I have to lay an Impart Knowledge on you. I’ll give you the simple version, which… you… probably won’t be able to pronounce all of it. Teach you the rest as we go.”

“Isn’t Impart Knowledge a cleric’s spell?”

“Not if you happen to be an acolyte of Oghma, and in one of His temples.”  he gestured around at the library, indicating where the temple was. “I can perform all the rites and that nonsense. Are you in?”

“Yeah. I think I have to be.”

“It has to be free will bubala. There’s options. Taako’s always got plans. It’s just that this is… a little easier.”

Angus thought for a moment. “I trust you, sir. Go for it.”

Taako shook out his hands. Adjusted his posture. Steadied his breath. Put his fingers to Angus’ temples. “My mind to your mind. My thoughts to your thoughts…” And let the knowledge flow. Every time he used the Cant as a child. Every nuance and inflection. Every word that would be easy for a human child to use. It came with echoes of the bad times, for all that he tried to spare Angus from them.

Angus was watching, inside his head. Which was a stumbling block of sorts.

“It’s easier if you just let it happen, son,” cooed Taako.

Angus relaxed the influence. His mind was so hungry. It was amazing. He lapped it all up. Eager.

Taako stopped the flow before the lexicon got too complicated. And before the incipient migraine could blot out some of his vision. “All good, pumpkin?”

“But there’s more,” protested Angus. “That was amazing. [Can I say the words? I can say the words!] Will there be other doses? I know there’s more. I want to learn it all.”

Taako massaged a temple. “No headaches? No prickly sensations in your skull?”

“[Not one bit, sir,]” said Angus.

“[You are literally one in a million. This thing always hurts _me_.]” And worse, that nauseous sensation had returned. Ugh. “[Taako’s taking a break from the magic for a spell.]”

Angus giggled at the pun. “[We can practice the Cant while you get better, sir. Like… talking about how you knew something was up the second you saw my staff.]”

“[It's all in the way they were smiling,]” said Taako. And smiled for Angus. A definite, real smile, because he was fond of the kid. “[You see the difference between their smile and mine, right?]”

It was like watching the dawn arrive, as realisation hit him. “[That's why it always felt weird when they smiled. Sir. You're the only one in this house who actually likes me.]”

Nausea or no nausea, Taako snatched Angus up in a hug. Held him right. “[You are my boy, now, little man. Until there's someone better.]”

Angus returned the embrace. “[So what's the plan?]”

Taako outlined the Idiot Wizard trick. Angus would act as if everything was perfectly normal while Taako became a minor godling of chaos. He would drive them to distraction while messing up all their plans. And he would do so in such a way that they thought he was an absolute moron.

“[The hard part for you, dear Angel, is keeping a straight face.]”

Taako recovered from his nausea quickly, and Angus took him on a tour of the house. He wanted to see where each of these spiders’ nests were.

The kitchen was a modern sprawl of gadgets and devices from Miller Labs. Taako recognised a few of them, but there were definitely some here that hadn’t hit the markets. It was all brushed steel and sterile. Taako shivered at the feel of it. This was not a comfortable kitchen. He opened the pantry. Huge. There was enough room in here to hold a feast for thousands.

And then he worked out the storage system and screamed.

They had put containers of poison directly beside identical-looking containers of everyday ingredients. On purpose. For plausible deniability.

“Sir?”

Taako snatched him up. Held him tight. Almost shielding the boy from the sight of it. “[This kitchen is a death trap. It’s _vicious_.]” He forced himself to point out exactly where the poisons were and why it was so, so very stupid to store them like that.

“You could fix it, sir.”

That was two hours ago. Now the kitchen had sparkling quartz counters, carved wood cupboard doors, and a lovely mosaic tile floor. The pantry had been re-organised and the poisons exiled to their own region well away from any actual food. Angus had sent out one of his estate guard for a lengthy list of fresh herbs and spices. Most of them were now hanging from the ceiling to dry.

And Taako was in the middle of it, making an enormous mess whilst also teaching Angus the difference between certain doughs.

Worley entered from wherever he’d been hiding and gaped at the scene. His usually inhospitable and sterile space had become a warm and welcoming heart of comfort and care. And there was an enormous mess all over the place. Angus was sitting on a bench top and learning how to knead bread dough. Both he and Taako had flour on their faces and arms.

“Hail and well met,” said Taako, putting on his best happy gormless wonder expression. “Hope you don’t mind, I fixed up your kitchen a bit. I am going to be spending a lot of time in here, after all.” A timer pinged. Excellent. The muffins were ready. These ones were savoury and healthy with it. He put on the oven mitts and took out his latest creation. In fact, there were a lot of creations filling the countertop cooling racks. He carefully moved the muffins to another rack. “Got to feed my boy, after all.”

Worley opened the pantry. “You rearranged my system!”

“You’re welcome,” Taako chirped. “Putting the poison next to the sugar like that? Someone could have gotten sick…” And now he couldn’t protest. Not in front of someone like his little angel.

The man’s barely-concealed fury was a treasure Taako would use to warm his cold, dead heart on lonely nights. He might despise the cold of winter, but _this_ winter was going to be hella fun.


	9. Chapter 9

It was the most fun Angus had had in his life. Taako’s chicanery was world class. And funny. And now that he knew that his staff were after his life, Angus couldn’t find any part of him that felt sorry for them.

Taako’s pipe was an excellent prop for spying. He could simulate the distant expression of an Elf currently high on ‘lion, and cast Minor Illusion to make it look like he was smoking. And then all four staff members involved in the conspiracy would say anything while he was still in the room.

But that wasn’t the end of it.

Taako got lost. Seemingly on the hour. And it was a convenient excuse for searching their rooms, offices, and any hiding space that could be conceived. And if in a pinch, he would pretend he had been watching the nearest clock, “for the little birdie”.

It took a clever man to play the fool, and Taako was a _virtuoso_.

He drove all four of them up the wall. Especially Miss Werthers, the nanny. She was the single most restrictive force in McDonald Manor, and Taako was the single most _distracting_ force known to intelligent life.

He’d wander in during Angus’ etiquette and deportment lessons, and be utter havoc. He’d claim that he couldn’t find the privy and attempt to urinate on a potplant. He’d sit with Angus and want to be read to. He’d claim he knew all about a topic and launch into a long, rambling story that went circuitously nowhere. He’d ask inane questions. Some of them completely unrelated to the topic at hand. He’d ask ‘why?’ for minutes on end. He would loudly eat baby carrots with perfect comedic timing.

Angus, of course, was a forged picture of innocent sympathy. Taako had saved his life in the wilds, and was recovering from a deep, deep trauma. So of course Taako deserved nothing less than absolute sympathy and caring.

And then came the week that Taako discovered the echo properties of the bathroom in the east wing. It was a recent installation from Miller Labs. It had all kinds of controls and could even produce pre-warmed soap suds. It had steam jets, and a massage feature. But the best thing, according to Taako, was that the tiling and the air vents channelled every single sound to important areas of the castle.

Important, in that they were areas where the Fickle Four tended to hang out.

And also important was the fact that Taako got rather loud when appreciating the pleasures of the flesh.

Angus heard about it in less than three days. He knew about it already, thanks to Taako and their shared Cant. But his innocent act was well-honed by now. Taako was pretending to be stoned in a chaise lounge and Angus was reading up on the horrible things that happened in Saint Vingo’s Reform School For Wayward Elven Youth.

“Sir,” said Mr Worley. “It’s about That Elf.”

Less than two weeks to get capitals. Angus was impressed. He’d shared schools with kids who took months to gain That Kid status. “Has something happened to Taako?” Angus straightened to check.

“No. He’s right over there,” said Pincost.

Taako, lounging indolently on the chaise, blew illusory smoke rings.

Angus breathed a sigh of relief. “I know he’s not sick. What’s the matter?”

“Someone needs to control that beast,” said Miss Werthers. She was very red-faced. “You haven’t _heard_ him take a _shower_.”

“It’s obscene,” agreed Fortescue.

“He sounds like the star of a bordello,” said Pincost.

Angus knew exactly when to ask the wrong question. “What’s a bordello, sir?”

All four of them went red. Redder, in the case of Miss Werthers.

“Sir,” said Fortescue. “I have served your family _loyally_ for twenty long years. This… _creature_ … is the embodiment of hellish torment, sir.”

“He’s very kind to _me_ ,” said Angus. Using the artful innocence that enablers are made of.

“I have no doubt,” said Miss Werthers, using her sympathetic, this-is-for-your-own-good voice. “But the fact is, that this… travelling showman… is something of a menace. It’s clear he isn’t made for a life… away from the road. He’s… unfamiliar with indoor manners.”

“He’s a menace,” said Pincost. “People of… his sort… aren’t the sort that a lad of your station should be associating with.”

Worley said, “He _was_ accused of poisoning, sir. A young man of your quality of breeding shouldn’t be seen with a suspected felon.”

“What are you all suggesting?” said Angus. “That we throw a traumatised and, frankly, mentally infirm man in need of generosity and assistance… out. Into the wild? Into the winter? When he’s clearly incapable of looking after himself? You’d have that on your consciences?”

They looked introspective. Exchanged looks.

Angus looked up at them with a for-shame expression on his face. “I _can’t_ have that on _my_ conscience. Maybe a little kindness on your side could help with with his recovery.”

He could actually watch them draw a straight line between the current situation and Taako no longer being present in the mansion to interfere with their plans.

Taako, still apparently high, mumbled some words in their shared Cant, “[Supply wagon.]”

Oh yes. “As I recall, poor Taako took a drastic turn for the worse when he learned that his supply cart had been emptied… and all his food stores thrown away. That may have been the last straw for what was left of his psyche. He’s had everything he loves and everything that defines him ripped away. And then _someone_ took his supplies. All that he had left. He’s lost everything, and he’s entirely dependant on the kindness of strangers. Don’t you think he deserves a minimum of your sympathy?”

“He’s taken over _my kitchen_ ,” protested Worley. “I barely get to cook anything.”

“You are familiar with the case, aren’t you, Mr Worley? How his sous chef and manager used him as a patsy to…” he paused to look over at Taako, who was taking a very long, theatrical drag, “...create the scene at G-L-A-M-O-U-R S-P-R-I-N-G-S. No doubt you’ve seen how rarely he uses magic in the kitchen.”

“He doesn’t use magic at all,” protested Pincost. He was the one who had found Taako in his office the most. Up to all sorts of monkey shines. Which included building a fort out of all of his legal books. It was cover for looking for the _real_ accounts book. And according to Taako, Pincost had hid it well. So well that Taako was having trouble finding it.

“Considering what happened the last time he did?” said Angus. “Are you surprised?”

“That’s still obfuscating the point that associating with… that sort… can not be good for your overall social standing,” said Fortescue.

“What sort would that be, sir?”

“The vagrant sort,” he answered. “He has no roots, here. No home. No family. And, ultimately, no consequences. He can pull up stakes at any given moment and leave. Free as a bird and twice as filthy.”

“I don’t see how he can do that without food or gold, sir. And he is staying with me until he can get back on his feet. That is the Will of the Estate, sir.”

It was a privilege that Angus rarely invoked, mostly because of his age. When his parents died, it was explained to him that he could make decisions about the running of the Estate, so long as they were not reckless ones. Angus, already a serious and studious boy, had been extremely careful about using that power. So far, the only objection had come from replacing a dangerous stair railing that the Estate had had to juggle finances to repair.

A railing that, in retrospect, Angus had used every day, often propping an elbow and his small weight against it as he juggled books on the way out of the library. A railing that just happened to be above a terrible fall.

Angus looked his would-be murderers in their eyes. “Have I made myself clear?” he said.

“Abundantly,” said Fortescue. They took their leave.

Taako sat up the instant they were out of earshot and, just to be certain, used their shared Cant. “[The way he shook when you said that thing…] Will of the Estate. [I think he’s cooked the books a lot longer than I thought.]”

“[So. The money is gone.]”

“[Not as gone as you might think.]” Taako gained a devious smirk. “[How much money is illegal proceeds?]”


	10. Chapter 10

They played cards in the servant’s wing, after Angus got to sleep. Taako, who spent his days lounging around when he wasn’t actively searching places and pretending to be an idiot, had lots of leftover energy for this one.

He pretended to be lost and turned up in his nightdress. Well. Technically Miss Werther’s nightdress, but he felt it looked better on him. Her look of indignation at him was perfect.

“There’s everybody,” he cooed, feigning a smile. “What’s the game? Can anyone play?”

The effect was electric. The extant game dissolved and the pool of coin was redistributed evenly into five spaces. The fifth space was in front of the mirror on the wall.

_ Ameteurs. _

“Do you know how to play Five-Person Cartwhistle?” said Miss Werthers.

“Not at all,” lied Taako. He ignored the space and parked his chair between Pincost and Fortescue. Mage-handed himself the small pile of coin. And then flirted slightly with both men. “Cosy, isn’t it? I like cosy. Mind walking me through the rules, lovelies?”

Miss Werthers, who had been fruitlessly trying to get his attention for at least a fortnight, paled visibly. And so did Worley.

Ha. He’d called it. This was so cliche. The butler did it. The Nanny was having a fling with the chef, and the lawyer was stealing the family fortune.

They had a Cant of their own. Part Polari, part Street Slang, part Thieves’ Cant, which was very telling indeed, and little dabs of Dock Speak. Taako pretended he couldn’t understand a word of it, but he already had an enchanted journal documenting everything, and translating the meaning as he went.

He did all the usual idiot wizard things. Holding some cards the wrong way around. Continuously thinking that they were playing Happy Families. Snuggling up to either Pincost or Fortescue, ostensibly because ‘this is nice’, but in actuality, to get a sneak peek at their hands. Putting his cards down to make an extended snack. For everyone. Mis-understanding the rules.

After about an hour of this, more an hour and a half, Taako appeared to have a basic grasp of it and they began to play for the money.

Taako hummed. He made clicking noises. He asked inane semi-philosophical questions. He could already drive Miss Werthers to distraction with baby carrots, but this was not the time for them. He lost a few rounds on purpose. Gathering up any last Tells that the table might have. And when he was down to a few last coppers, he started fleecing them.

In an hour, he had most of their gold, and all of their nerves worn down to a frazzle.

“[The Elf has to be cheating,]” murmured Worley.

“[He doesn’t have the brainpower to be cheating,]” whispered Fortescue.

“[How can you even tell?]” hissed Werthers.

“[Because  _ I’m _ cheating and he’s still  _ winning _ .]”

“Mr Pincost,” said Taako.

He uttered a pre-emptive moan of distress. “Yes?”

“Do you have any threes?”

“Oh for fu-- This is not ‘Go Fish’, Taako. Hold, raise, fillip or chance?”

Taako went from zero to flirt in a microsecond. “Would you take a chance on me, Mr Pincost?”

“For the fifth time. Not. Interested.”

“Well, if you change your mind, I’m the first in line.” And then Taako started to sing. Without ever hitting the key. Or the rhythm. “...honey I’m still free/ take a chance on me…”

They called it a night while the Fickle Four still had a couple of silvers to their name.

Taako crept back up to his suite, right beside Angus’, and had to muffle his howls of laughter in his pillows. He was evil. Absolutely evil. And he loved it, because all of those ill-got gains were going straight to his new son.


	11. Chapter 11

Taako eventually found the _real_ finances book under the floorboards in Pincost’s offices. Where the peculation was revealed to have been going on since before Angus’ parents perished. Fortescue had a different notebook under the floorboards under his bed, which contained all the details of a serial murderer known as Cheerful Charlie by the yellow press. Angus had been following the case, more or less as a hobby, before his parents died.

A notebook that had all the details in the order that Angus had told them to Miss Werthers.

It was the middle of winter when the Fickle Four confessed of their own volition. Taako and Angus alike were hiding in an arras when they caught the four drawing straws. To see which of them went to the City Watch while the remaining three waited peaceably in the drawing room. Hans on the table. For the Watch to arrive and take them away.

“One more day with that… that… Elf is one day too many,” complained Fortescue.

“He can pee in _all_ the aspidistras for all I care,” snapped Miss Werthers.

“He _ate_ a fucking _garlic bulb_ ,” complained Worley. “I tossed it to him thinking he’d have a fucking meltdown but he dead-ass looked me in the eye and fucking _ate it like it was an apple!_ ”

Taako was shaking with silent laughter at that one.

“Yes, we’ve all heard the Garlic Story,” said Miss Werthers. “Pincost?”

“My office is not his play-house. All my books will be evidence. Taken away. And I have the short straw. Miss. Messrs. I shall need a minute to gather the evidence, and then I will be on my way.”

The four left the area, presumably to put things in order. Taako crept out first and gave Angus the all-clear.

“You _ate_ a garlic bulb, sir?” Angus, too, was shaking.

“What else could I do? I knew what he was trying, so I said, ‘ooh, white apple. Never tried one of those,’ and fucking bit into it. He fainted dead away.”

“How did you do that and live?” wondered Angus.

“Well… I fucking love garlic. Built me up a tolerance to that stuff, so it wasn’t a big deal. The hardest part was keeping a straight face. Followed by picking the garlic skins out of my teeth, afterwards.”

“Sir?”

“Yes, dear?”

“That was fucking _metal_.”

Giggles. “I appreciate the sentiment, sweetie, but potty mouths are for after you turn sixteen.”

“Yessir.”

“Let’s sit on the foyer stairs. I’ll pretend to smoke, you can read one of those… -uh- Coolidge Carbox stories. Like it’s therapy.”

“Caleb Cleveland,” Angus corrected with a smile. “When do we drop the act?”

“Oh, about five seconds after the shackles go on.”

Which was quite a thing to watch. Taako had asked if they were playing cards in the drawing room, which was greeted with screams of dismay and open hostility. Which, in turn, was a perfect excuse so sulk on the stairs with a pipe and Angus by his side.

The look on their faces when Taako dropped his act and produced parallel evidence - some copied with Fabricate, the rest taken down with the help of his magic - was priceless.

Taako finished with, “And if you’re going to use a Cant, make certain it’s a _real_ one. You chumps just patched together the most commonly-known words and phrases out of Cants you passed by on a surface level. That’s stuff for _children_.” And then he code-switched. “[My darling boy, show them what you know, please?]”

Angus shut his book on a bookmark, “[You have to wake up early to get one over on the world’s greatest truth-find.]” There was a word in their shared Cant for ‘detective’, but Angus had trouble wrapping his youthful tongue around it. So he improvised.

For the first time since his parents’ murders, he allowed the estate Guard inside. For security. For companionship. To bolster up the forces of the City Watch as they ransacked the house. Angus clung close to Taako. And Taako, naturally repelled by the sight of snow on the ground through the front door, retreated to the kitchen. He made pastries for the guards and a fortifying soup for Angus, and was deep into rolling out puff pastry when the Captain of the Rockport City Watch entered the kitchen. She sat on the kitchen table and helped herself to one of the remaining muffins from Taako’s prior cooking sprees and watched them.

It wasn’t how a watchman would observe a perp. Or sweat a suspect. It was merely observing action and interaction as Taako sought comfort in what he loved best. And gave comfort in the form of truly superb food.

Finally, Taako couldn’t take it any more and got everything to a stage where it could rest. “Can I _help_ you?” Taako asked.

“Captain Lorrel,” she said. “And yes, actually. This situation with the McDonald estate is getting complicated. And I do not like complicated situations.”

Taako reached for his pipe and froze.

“Yeah, you can smoke some leaves. It’s not illegal. Shit, it’s not illegal to do fluff, either. But I’d like it if you were capable of speech and understanding.”

Angus, working methodically on folding crullers, watched as Taako crumbled a single dandelion leaf into his pipe and lit up for real. The first time since he got to the mansion. His cascade of golden curls became a long, loose banner of straight, flowing gold. “Okay. So what’s the sitch?”

“Following young Mr McDonald’s… orphan status… his parents’ will stipulated that the estate finances and affairs would be in the care of those four we just arrested. Now. Since they’ve… done what they’ve done…”

“They attempted to murder me, ma’am,” said Angus. “I’m well aware of the shenanigans.”

She looked him in the eye. “I suppose you would be.” But then, she was also the young officer he had helped with the Cheerful Charlie case. “Since… that. Uh. Everything’s up in the air. Mr McDonald needs a responsible guardian.”

Puff. “In that, we agree,” said Taako. “How are you going to find one who isn’t going to get greedy, though?”

Captain Lorrel looked Taako in the eye. “I’m looking at him.”

Taako almost dropped his pipe. “What? No. Just- you- I’m- This- The- I’m the most _irresponsible_ person in the world! Ask anyone! I’m not made out of- of parenting material. I’m a lush, a ‘lion fiend, half the time, I’m a slut for the lean muscular type… I swear up a fucking _storm_ and--”

She pulled a scroll from her bag. “And you have this.” She unrolled it. Read it out loud. “I, Cleric Jangomar of the Twelfth Church of Ao, having examined Taako, wizard chef of the _Sizzle it Up!_ travelling show and Sazed Baker, roadie of the same company, under the influence of Zone of Truth, hereby certify them sound and able guardians. They are well capable of caring for, and caring about, the health and wellbeing of an orphan child, without knowingly or willingly causing them harm.” She re-rolled it for a while, “There’s blather about the laws of Faerun and compassion and all that nonsense, but…” she waved it in the air. “This is your fucking Fantasy Blue Card, my good fellow.”

“That was years ago,” said Taako. “I want to do a new one. I never want my name associated with… that _asshole_ ever again.”

“After Glamour Springs, I thought you might. And since you follow Oghma…” she gestured, and a High Cleric of Oghma in their full regalia entered the room.

Taako spasmed and went down on one knee. “Maester,” he breathed. “Forgive this fool.”

“Only if you let me have a hit,” smiled the Cleric. They were something like a Bishop or Archdeacon. Very high up the ladder.

Angus stopped folding crullers to stare as Taako passed the High Cleric his pipe, and the High Cleric, in turn, took a long drag of ‘lion.

“Mmmmm… wild grown. That’s the good shit. There’s just something about forest ‘lion that just… feels better. Oh shit. Rise, my child. Chillax. Take another rip and be cool.”

They wound up sitting around the kitchen table with bowls of soup, muffins, and cookies, and mugs of tea. Taako and the High Cleric exchanged tales of misspent youths. Though the High Cleric was three hundred years Taako’s senior, they had both survived the Xenophobia Wars.

Angus was amazed at it. The chief of police, a high cleric, and the best chef in all of Faerun, chatting over a meal and tea and passing a pipe. Chief Lorrel, a human, let the pipe pass between the Elves.

And then the High Cleric cast Zone of Truth, and confirmed Taako’s intentions in regards to Angus. Only under the influence of the Holy Word did Taako confess that he never wanted to see a child grow up alone and with nobody. He also rambled on about his great hatred of snow and winter. How hard it was to stay warm in the snow. How even nesting in with a family of hibernating bugbears was better than going out into the lethal chill.

The High Cleric recommended a particular store in Merchant’s Row, with lightweight, but warming clothing that kept out the worst of winter’s chill. They even had Elven ear-socks that didn’t look dorky.

“All ear-socks look dorky,” protested Taako. “We just fool ourselves that they’re not.”

And in less than an hour, Taako had a new certificate certifying himself and himself alone as a trusted guardian of orphans and strays. He was officially, legally entitled to take in and care for any orphan he pleased, so long as said child’s needs were suitably and adequately met.


	12. Chapter 12

For four years, Taako had been Angus’ parental unit  _ and _ on the road. Either as himself, or his non-famous alter-ego, Tzatziki. Tzatziki was a Moon Elf ‘psychic’ who lived the bumbling associate trope to Angus’ master detective.

They travelled together in Taako’s pretty travelling wagon, but Taako had sold the supply wagon during their first year together. After such supplies ran out.

Angus’ family fortune was locked away under legalities until he came of age. There was a small stipend for food and clothes. Too small. And Taako had not-so-secretly been selling off his possessions to pay for Angus’. He was eating less and concealing it by sharing his plate with Angus.

The important part was that he was more than adequately fed, with all the nutrition stuff he could need. Angus had good clothes. Clean and neat, if not always new. He had magic to resize any shoes that he liked at the time.

But what never lasted long was the money, and the economy was circling the drain. He used the last of his coin on the hostel room for Angus because the campsite fees were too steep. The caravan and Caleb were concealed outside of the city limits and most of its contents were Angus’ belongings. An lots of them were books.

Angus took ready advantage of Taako’s religion to swap books at every temple. Which saved money in bookstores.

But they were out of cash, and he only had a few gewgaws left to exchange for a meal. “Now. You got your Stone of Farspeech? I’ll try to call you whenever I get the chance. Um. It’s a four-day supply run. A doddle. If you don’t hear from me in two days…”

“The wagon is mine,” sighed Angus. “Grab the gold, destroy everything and head for the hills. I know the drill, sir.”

“Better off that you solve a few mysteries. Get yourself some- some -uh- pocket money. Do the whole grandfather in Neverwinter routine. You know most stuff you need. I got a copy of my grimoire under my bed. Learn everything you can.”

“You’ll be fine, sir. Taako is always fine.”

“Natch,” he smiled and kissed Angus on his forehead. “Stay safe. Love you.”

“You too, sir.”

Taako felt like his heart was made of lead as he walked towards the Lonely Hearts Cantina. Traded his last jewelry for a meagre meal and an apple cider. He could transmute the slop they called stew, here.

...into something viscous and vile.

“Damnit,” he muttered, and tried again.


	13. Chapter 13

They’d fucked up. Bad. The Dwarf’s cousin had a magic gauntlet that turned him into a gigantic bird made of fire, laying waste to the scenery. And now they were in the company of an Orc named Killian and trying desperately to un-fuck everything. Taako was barely concealing his anxiety because he knew that Angus had taken the caravan to Phandalin. His baby was in danger.

In more danger than he thought.

Careening across this ruined field was an out-of-control, panicked horse. Harnessed into a pretty little Traveller’s caravan.

And no.

Sign.

Of Angus.

There was no time for thought. There was no thought. Just the words, “MY BABY!” at maximum volume. He leaped into action just like the meat shield might. Terrified that something might have happened to his child.

All that mattered was intersecting, somehow, with any part of the horse, harness, or the wagon itself. Luck and dexterity got him a handhold on the roof with one hand. He had to roll continuous Dex saving throws to Yakima Canutt his way to the driver’s seat.

And of course the reins were loose, and the brake was broken. And he failed his last Dex throw. Winding up clinging to the horse’s neck for dear life. And he still tried to grab the reins.

And then he realised.

He was a fucking  _ Wizard _ .

Taako cast Sleep on the horse. Caleb slowed down. Dozed off on his hooves. Taako dropped off and staggered back to the door behind the driver’s seat. “[Angel?]” He climbed inside. “[Baby are you in here? Are you okay?]”

Somewhere outside of his tunnel-vision of concern, Magnus said, “Wow. And I thought he loved the cart.”

Everything was tossed to shit. Taako used Mage Hands to get books back up on the shelves. The silence was heart-rending. “[ANGEL?]”

Muffled. From the middle of a sort-of rolled-up mattress. “[I still live, sir.]”

Taako hurried to extract him. Checked him over. “[Are you hurt? How many gems are on my hat? Do you feel like you have a concussion?]”

“[You don’t have any gems left, sir.]”

“[How many fingers?]” He held up three.

“[Just three, sir. I’m fine. I was sleeping when Caleb panicked, and I rolled myself up in my mattress. I figured Caleb would tire out eventually.]”

Taako fell into a seated position, and became increasingly aware of the wetness on his face. And the audience at either door to the interior. Magnus at the little door on the drivers’ side of the caravan. Merle at the larger door to the rear. Both staring in amazement.

He surrendered. “You remember that bunch of gold I stole?” he said. “Meet the reason why.” He held Angus close. “My sweet little angel.”

“Hello, sirs. My name’s Angus.”

“[Not the full name. Trust no-one.]”

Taako took him out of the caravan. Made absolutely certain that he was hale and hearty.

“Uh. That’s a human kid,” said Merle.

Taako went for his line. “I found him in the woods and he’s mine now.. Finders keepers, homie.” To Angus, he said. “What did I  _ tell _ you?”

“You did say to stay safe, sir, but the innkeep realised your jewelry was polished brass and I had to leave. Further, it’s been more than two days, sir.”

“Can you believe these assholes wouldn’t give me five minutes?”

“[I was worried about you sir. I know you haven’t been eating so much, lately.]”

“Taako is perfectly fine, sweetie. But we have to stop a bad man, okay? Just… just stay out of trouble. Any more trouble.”

Fatal last words.

Racism burned in the heart of Gundren Rockseeker. It burned like a banking fire in the heart of the Orc teen who fired the fatal arrow. Fear was what drove Taako to scream two words into his Stone of Farspeech to Angus. “[Fun times!]” A code within a code. Run for your life with whatever you can grab.

He was safe in the well, but he could not raise Angus after that. And if the stone was destroyed…

Taako went numb. There were no words. No succour. He’d tried his utmost to see this boy safe into a long life… well. Long for humans. And now…

All ashes.

Nothing was permanent.

And even when he wanted it to be, it all got taken away.

He stumbled on. Escaping the well. Surveying the wreckage. Feeling like an empty shell.

And noting that, on the edge of the black glass, there was a half a horse. The wound cauterised. A little bit away from the devastation, as if it had been moving when… And a little further beyond… a small figure in neat, clean clothing. Lying on the road as if he’d been thrown.

Fear hit him like an ogre. Taako scrambled over the glass like an Elf possessed. Shrieked when Angus sat up, mostly unharmed. He would later learn that he ruined his pants with road rash and skinned his shins as he slid to a halt by his boy. He didn’t care. This was the one thing worth living for. The one thing he hadn’t fucked up in his long and miserable life.

“I was riding Caleb when it went up,” Angus said. “I’m sorry, sir. Your caravan.”

“You’re alive. I don’t care.”

“All your stuff…”

“Didn’t have much of it left anyway.” Taako gasped. “Oh no. All your books. Oh, Angel…”

Angus put on a brave face. “You can pick up the pieces, sir. In fact. I’d love to see how it’s done.”

Taako finally pulled away from his grateful embrace. “Not gonna lie. It’s going to be a mess for a while. Uh. But… we’re catching a ride with the Orc lady who’s… kind’a sort’a partially responsible for making us homeless. And then? We’ll… we’ll take it from there.”

Killian, staring at them, said, “There’s only four seats on the transport.”

“I’ll share a seatbelt with him,” said Taako. “There is no way in hell that I’m leaving my sweet baby Angel alone.” And then he mumbled, “...not as if my butt’s that big anywho.”

There was some debate, but Taako stood firm. He and his son were homeless. And besides, he had the gauntlet in his pack. And he wasn’t going anywhere without Angus. He didn’t give a shit about anyone else, to be honest. Even the fighter, who had saved his life. He had one concern and that was the health and welfare of his boy.


	14. Chapter 14

Lucretia had known that Killian had brought back four new members in potentia. She had not expected three of them to be familiar faces. She had not expected the fourth to be a  _ child _ .

Given the lad’s colouration and obvious human status, she expected him to be Magnus’. But he clung to Taako, and vice versa. Ten years had changed them all. Ten years without remembering who they used to be.

It was quite a shock.

Magnus had finished growing into his muscles, but the ever-present joy he approached life with had been worn out of him. Merle was pricklier than the easy-going pacifist she knew. And Taako…

Oh Gods,  _ Taako _ .

There were deep shadows surrounding his eyes. The epicurean lover of all food and all cooking had gone gaunt. Almost to the point where he might snap. His clothing hung loosely on him and stick-thin legs peeked through the recent holes in his trousers. Just about everything he owned was patched and repaired. Quite unlike the clothes horse she once knew.

And the potential reason why peeked out behind his hip. The boy was well clothed and well fed. Not overfed. He was no butterball. He wasn’t spoiled. But it was very clear in one glance that this was where all of Taako’s obviously limited resources went.

She couldn’t test them in this state. Taako looked ready to shatter into a million pieces.

All this, she saw in an instant. Hid behind a well-practiced mask of neutrality. “Welcome, the four of you, to the Bureau of Balance.”


	15. Chapter 15

Taako had entered into the physical like a man attending his own execution. And as soon as the attendant physicians prised the clothes off of him, everyone saw why. He looked halfway starved to death.

Magnus knew the story from Ravensroost. From everywhere that single parents struggled to make ends meet. The adult inevitably went without in order to make sure their child did well.

Magnus remembered the time that  _ Sizzle it Up! _ went through Ravensroost. Taako had a few extra pounds on any other Elf his size, but it did well to promote his food. Taako without his show, and with a kid to feed, and with the economy in a downturn… well. He’d done what any decent adult in his situation would do.

Everything he could. For the kid.

Angus was in fine health. Taako… was not. It would be two weeks before he was back to anything resembling peak physical condition, and the regulations of the Bureau forbade any testing until then. So they were all in limbo.

It was a limbo with regular food and, in Taako’s case, a diet and exercise regimen designed to help him get back into shape.


	16. Chapter 16

Angus watched in horror. Taako, renowned coward, got picked as the bravest. Which meant that he was in the middle of the arena with ogres while the Dwarf shot potions at things and the fighter tore the arms off of robots.

Angus screamed when one of the ogres hit his Dad. Wept when Taako was ominously still. Certainly, he had been on similar adventures, but this was the first time Angus had seen it.

When Taako got back up again, thanks to a healing potion from the gun, his wand was broken. He looked up to Angus with almost telepathic eyes. _Yes. I know what this means,_ he seemed to say. _I’m going to be awesome anyway._ And he loosed the short sword at his hip.

His pack caught his attention. The umbrella he’d been carrying around since Wave Echo Cave made itself known to him. He pointed it like a wand and…

A powerful fireball shot out at the ogres. So powerful that it almost knocked Taako over.

He’d been carrying around a weapon of mass destruction this entire time, and it looked like a fancy, frilly parasol.

That was just the start of it.

Families were not allowed on moon, but the Director assessed Angus as a keen analytical mind and enrolled him as a Seeker. He and Taako shared a modest little flat with a half-butt kitchen and a veritable host of people who made certain that Taako wasn't backsliding into self-starvation again.

Not that there was much chance of that. One look at the base’s hanging gardens was all it took for the little kitchen to always be warm.


	17. Chapter 17

Three steps into the train carriage and Taako nearly exploded. They had  _ his _ little boy on same train as a  _ grand relic _ . In danger. In the path of peril.

So of course he used their Cant at the first opportunity. “[Did they put you here with us?]”

“[This is moonlighting, sir. There's a dangerous killer on railway called the Rockport Slayer. They saw me shopping and…]” he as shrugged. “[Fame can be an impediment.]”

Okay. So he didn’t need to rain fire and vengeance down on the bureau and whoever decided to let Angus go Seeking on his own. This was a dangerous job and he didn’t like to think of what could happen to his little Angel.

So of course, it all happened. Sure, they managed to defeat the Rockport Slayer, and Taako came away with quite a haul, and save the day. But not the train. Taako cast Shield on Angus before throwing him off the train. Not anyone else. Just to make sure he was safe.

After that, it was just trying desperately to make sure he had no more deaths on his conscience.


	18. Chapter 18

Lup, trapped inside her own creation, had to wonder what the fuck was wrong with her brother. He didn’t know the Umbrastaff. He didn’t recognise her corpse. He had evidently taught  _ their secret and private language _ to a human boy.

And he’d fucking  _ adopted _ a human boy, too.

Taako. Adopting a child. “I’ll never be anyone’s parental unit” Taako. “Euw gross kid germs” Taako.

And then she guiltily remembered the time they were forty-eight. Between caravans and barely fending for themselves, and this tiny little tiefling waif asked to share their fire. They’d come out of nowhere, and had thin clothes barely suited for the autumn chill.

Taako shared the fire, his share of the food, and his cloak. He’d held the kid all night and told funny stories until they fell asleep.

And was thoroughly devastated when he discovered that they’d died in the night.

“You’re an absolute marshmallow, Koko,” she sighed. “Of fucking course you’d adopt a kid who had nobody and teach them  _ Us _ .”

And, she had to admit, she was growing to like the little booger, herself. There was genuine love, there. Angus parented her idiot brother just as much as Taako parented him. Making sure he ate properly and stuck to his health regimen despite his protests.

Which was subtly worrying. Taako had changed in the ten years Lup had been a prisoner. And something completely fucked up had happened to make him paranoid about poison in his cooking. Lup knew in her heart and soul that it wasn’t his fault. Taako adored good food, and nothing warmed his heart more than cooking up an extravagant feast for his friends and loved ones. He would never, not in a million bajillion, cause good food to become poison.

Besides, he always focussed on the flavours when he was transmuting food. It was impossible for him to make poison.

What was he  _ thinking _ ?

_ Was _ he even thinking?

Well. She had proof that he was still as clever as ever, despite the Idiot Wizard act. He could find solutions to tricky problems that still left her reeling. But he was so very distant. So far removed from everyone but his adopted son.

So…  _ cold _ .

The Taako she knew would regale captive audiences with tales of their misspent youth. Cleaned up and casually not mentioning the seasonal cold and the biting hunger, and always smoothing over the rough patches that lead to the punchline. This changeling version of her brother was eerily silent about his past and, when forced to talk about it, nauseated.

Angus suspected a curse. Lup suspected Fisher. But… he’d drank the ichor. He should have remembered her.

Even when she wrote her name on the wall in big, fiery letters, he pronounced it wrong. To rhyme with ‘up’ instead of ‘hoop’. He didn’t remember. How could he not remember?

There had to be another way.

_ Come on, Lup. Think around corners _ . She tried. Honestly. But Taako was always better at that. She needed him… but couldn’t reach him.

Frustrating.

Infuriating.

But there was a plus side. Wonderland gave her another lich to beat up on. Someone to vent her frustrations on. Someone to fucking  _ shred _ because he hurt her baby brother.


	19. Chapter 19

“I didn’t cast that, sir. That wasn’t me. I’m not a high enough level to do that…”

Taako looked into the eyes of his beautiful boy and said, “I know.”

Taako caught the Umbrastaff. His sister’s Umbrastaff. Considered its ridiculous design. When he had forgotten her… he remembered wanting family. A real family. A place to belong to and a place to come home to. Even if it was one other person. It was part of the reason why he adopted Angus.

And now he’d had family with him the entire time.

His least favourite plot device, too. The long-lost twin.

_I hope this is the right thing to do…_

He snapped it over his knee.

Fire whirled around all of them. Avoided all his allies. Avoided his boy, especially. Abso-fucking-lutely _wrecked_ the minions of the Hunger. Exploded a column of it and re-formed.

Most liches are dark things. Smoke and bone and the stench of death. Not Lup. She was fire made flesh. Lightning in a bottle that happened to be Lup-shaped with just a hint of skull.

He remembered laughing just to see her again. Eyes leaking liquid pride. _This is it. My big sister is gonna whoop your sorry fucking asses._

But not before she got off a burn on her baby brother. “You’re dating the _grim reaper_?”

The world was worth fighting for that much more because Lup was still in it. Of course, he had his son to think about, too. But the older the alliance, the stronger the bond.

Of course he could trust her with Ango. Of course he could trust Barry, too. Because they were his Aunt and Uncle. Of course he could trust Ango to at least go down fighting. This was _his_ world. He had as much right to fight for it as anyone else.

And for the first time in what felt like forever…

Taako wasn’t afraid.

It was do or die time, and he knew. Just _knew_. The latter half of that phrase was not an option.

For the first time in twelve years… Taako trusted.

Completely.

And had that trust rewarded.

 

END.

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Impossible Choices](https://archiveofourown.org/works/14909838) by [AyraBelle](https://archiveofourown.org/users/AyraBelle/pseuds/AyraBelle)




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